Thursday, February 25, 2010

What the F**K?

(Reader Age Rating - 18. This post consists excessive use of the word "F**K" though it is only for educational purposes. If you still feel that this post is obscene wait till the Anonymous sends you a comment about p**is enlargment with using "en" instead of a decent guy like me who used "**")

I de-boarded from my cab at office and was buying some smokes to kick off my another interesting day at office. There was this girl standing right next to me who also had bought a cigarette and was trying to light it up. Since this is not a club house that we are talking about there is no kick-a$$ lighter here, only a bowl full of match-sticks and few match covers that the pan-waala has arranged . During the process of lighting up her cigarette, the match stick broke and she exclaimed "F**K!!". Me born with the rightest of the timings said "Allow me!! ". She gave me a weird look so I quickly added "To light up your smoke". I did(light up) and we smiled, went on our own ways thinking.

At least that what's I was doing. I re-played the dialog in my mind and thought it could have gone seriously wrong and I should stop myself from blurting out responses like "ALLOW ME". The girl could have had taken it literally or not waited up on me to add "to light up your cigarette". Or worse still she could have asked me "What the F**K you mean?? ", which could have sounded like "What?? THE f**k you mean" to me. I could have ended up facing a dangerous option of obliging her or guarding my virginity(blush blush). And then I thought most of the times even I exclaim like that. What if I is to exclaim "F**K" and there is some gay dude with the right timing like me, saying "Allow me!!!". Then I will have to guard my virginity, though of a different kind all together!! (Up until a few years ago I believed Virgin is name of a airline and when asked "Are you virgin?" I used to reply "No!! I am Air India" ).


Anyways, while smoking I gave a little more thought to this incident(the fact that my shift was starting an hour later also allowed this luxury). I thought Maaan!! We have started using this word every where. For describing situations, our feelings, while expressing wonder or disgust and I realized that this word is now everywhere. In every conversation. (Though considering India's population I can surely say its NOT ONLY THE WORD that is everywhere).

Anyways with the same thoughts I came up to office. I was greeted by a team member who said "Did you watched Sachin's performance. Man!! it was f**king good!! ". I flinched at the word and refrained myself from requesting him not to use the F-word for a while. It has already been on my mind since morning. I mean the thought of why we have started using this word so much was on my mind. After the important discussions about Sachin, his double century, process targets and the call flow subsided, I decided to pursue my morning thoughts a little bit further.

So I decided to do some re-search about the origins of the F-word and why it has become the most popular word around the globe.(Though KRK is more popular than the F-word).


Definition : Below is the definition of this word

"F**k is an English word that is generally considered profane, that in its most literal meaning refers to the act of sexual intercourse. However, by extension it may be used to negatively characterize anything that can be dismissed, disdained, defiled, or destroyed, and it is due to the convergence of these two weighty concepts (sex and destruction) that the term can carry such overloaded emphasis,[citation needed] although it is frequently used as a mere intensifier"


Usage : Do you know that this word can be used as a noun, verb, adjective, adverb, pronoun, or interjection. It can also be used as any word in a sentence or as a complete logical sentence. Consider the example given below :

"F**k the f**king f**kers".

F**king amazing, isn't??.


Also it is one of the very few words in English language that can be used in the middle of absolutely any word. E.g :




AbsoF**inglutley.

To highlight its verb like qualities you might want to know that while saying "I got f**ked by my company" means I got cheated by my company or if you would like to consider its noun characteristics calling somebody "A f**cker" describe a sorry person who is not worth giving any respect.

More so while used in phrases like "I really don't give a f**k" would simply mean that you don't care at all rather than any implications on your character or your potency issues. Just like when disappointed by the quality of food served in our cafeteria we say with a sigh "This is so f**cked up" means that you are disgusted by it. The food I mean.

So much for its usage.


Origins : I then went on to read about the origins of this word. Here is an interesting story that I picked up from wikipedia

"During the Black Death in the Middle Ages, towns were trying to control populations and their interactions. Since uncontaminated resources were scarce, many towns required permission to have children. Hence, the legend goes, that couples that were having children were required to first obtain royal permission (usually from a local magistrate or lord) and then place a sign somewhere visible from the road in their home that said "Fornicating Under Consent of King", which was later shortened to "F**K".

I was amazed by this story about the origins of the F-word and to find a different F-word as well. FORNICATION!!. Think how would it have sounded if in the morning that girl had exclaimed "Fornication!! " after dropping the match stick. I even considered saying "What the Fornication you doing?? " to my room-mate next time he tries to cook something in the kitchen or "This is really fornicated up" next time my team leader rejects my leave request.


Another interesting thing that I found out was that in machine translation there is a character in simplified Chinese. The character look like square box which in Chinese means "dry". Since I was unable to get that character(its a English keyboard) i decided to represent it by this sign : "#" . Now the interesting thing is that when you use a machine translator for Chinese to English, it types "#" as the word "F**K" !!. For example if you have to write "Dry food price counter" in Chinese you will use "#" to say dry. But if you translate it to English it will come up as "F**K food price counter"!!




Suddenly I have made a major diplomatic discovery and can better explain the strained relations between US and China. Probably the Chinese prime-minister wanted to say that "I do love America and it is a great country but your president behave a little dry"





So this is how this idea came up after a single exclamation used by a total stranger and needless to say it fornicated my whole day writing this post!!!





Wednesday, February 10, 2010

WEARING the THONG on OUR MINDS

Thongs(g-strings) are a recent advancement in women apparel history. They give you maximum utility with minimum resources used(covers up only necessary parts). However it becomes an issue when we start wearing thongs on our minds. What I mean is that we cover our mind's real useful parts(like common sense), leaving only unnecessary components exposed for the world(no real use except for comfortable sitting). Though it is desirable to use thongs for what they are designed for, wearing an imaginary one on your mind really doesn't help much. Whenever someone talks about something that they have a pre-set notion for , I imagine a invisible thong on our mind, which do not allow us to use what we should actually be using(for existence). That part of our mind is so covered up with a cloth made up of facts we have not known, books we have not read, situations we have not experienced, industries we have not joined, religions we have not practiced, places we have not visited, opinions we have not formed, information we have not validated, experiments we have not tested,causes we have not joined,things we have not done and words we have not thought about before speaking or writing them.
And the sad part is that this cloth is so strong around our head, it takes away the ability to open up and evaluate situations for what they really are. A guy who do not know me well(no idea what I am made up of) walks up to me and says "Yaar suna hai humari company bohot saare logon ko fire kar rahi hai". I ask"Kis se suna hai?". He says"Pata nahi koi bol raha tha", and went explaining how the company we are working in is doomed and we all will loose our jobs next week. He is walking up to everybody telling'em that the company is gonna fire'em without making sure of this fact before he fu**in' speaks about it. Now you must be wondering so what??. Well I had an IJP(test for my promotion in the same company) that evening!!!

Do you know what a single sentence that we throw out in the air can do to somebody?. Anybody. Have you ever felt the power of a kind word, a wise word, a sound advice in the times when you need it most. Has your life ever changed because somebody said something that made so much fu**in sense at that time that it changed your life?. If you have then you would agree to this fact that if a kind, knowledgeable word have power than the opposite is also true. The thong of the mind is this inability to see things clearly for what they are and not what we think they are(or anybody else think they are). Most of the times we either disagree or agree to something pretty fast. Without really thinking about it. Now if you have already thought about it, tried to find about it, have in your life removed the thong from your mind while gathering knowledge about it,CONGRATULATIONS, you have done pretty well for yourself. If you check out comments on my blog there is a guy named Anuj. Now Anuj belongs to a staunch Brahmin family and had written "Towards the Serenity"(http://anujmalviya.blogspot.com/) which had inspired a blog from me "GOD of an Atheist" recently. So this Brahmin dude, used to wear a thong on his mind about Islam few years ago. But what he did was he removed it from his head, went ahead and read the entire Qur'an in an attempt to find about it.

Know this. We all wear thongs on our minds at one time or another(which is pretty okay if you are going to spend your entire life on the beach of your own sea) but it is not okay not to get rid of it ever. It is not comfortable. Not for you not for others(imagine literally wearing the same thing while going to attend a party). Do you think we'll feel comfortable doing that. So why then we keep on wearing it on our mind all the time. So next time we go talk to somebody let's get our minds free from these thongs and share some cool stuff(please don't take it literal sense)

(RESPONSIBILITY : Some of you might find this blog offensive. But it will help me in finding out how many around me wear a thong on their minds)

Thursday, February 4, 2010

BLINKING CURSOR.......UNBLINKING ME!!!

This happened again. And happened again for a millionth time. I wanted to write about so many things but ended up looking at the blinking cursor for hours. Looking at it and thinking. Thinking about many things that are shapeless in my mind, dying to find a physical form. Waiting for me to shape them up with words, attach them in sensible sentences and build up paragraphs which are funny(hmm...) or sensitive(haa!!) or knowledgeable(LOL... ). But I ended up looking at the blinking cursor and in that moment I asked,

"Do I look as stupid to this cursor as much as this cursor looks stupid to me?".

And amazingly the blinking cursor replied, "Yes, you dumb A@#H@#E, you look as stupid as me!!! ".

I was shocked and a wave of anger swept over me. I stared at it and with all the hate that I can possibly adjust in one sentence I said, "What the F###....how dare you call me a dumb A$$***E. No body(except the people who know me) calls me thaaaat. You stupid sonuvabitch. All you do is blink on a blank sheet".

"That is what you are as well...a blank sheet...and you don't even blink!!! ", the cursor said.

We stared each other and then suddenly started laughin. I laughed so hard that my roomie woke up and started laughing as well{yes people the great SURJ###(remember some of the letters in his name got eaten up in the previous blog) do not need a reason to laugh}. After Surj### went back to sleep and I could catchup with my breath I said,
"You know what, you are right!! I am a blank sheet and I don't even blink".

Then I said, "Tell me something dude, you have blinked in front of so many people, great writers, I mean, people who play with words like guitarists play with strings, or real powerful people, politicians, movie stars and then also in front of many tom, dick and harrys like me who happens to own a computer. What is the difference for you between blinking in front of people like them and other commoners like me? ".

The Cursor smiled and went into a thinking reverie. After thinking for some time he said, "Well to tell you the truth there is not much of a difference between you and people you are talking about. I mean if you look from my prespective all I ever see is a bozo sitting in front of the screen with two hands just like yours, typing in. To me every keystroke that anybody gives in is in 0's and 1's....not different from your keystrokes. To me its all the same giberish and it doesn't matter who types it".

I was not going to let him off that easily. I could not believe what he was telling me so to further pursue the question I said, " C'mmon man, this can't be true. I mean how can you say there is not much of a difference. So what you mean to say is, that if it was not me but Chetan Bhagat writing all this, it would still be the same thing..huh?? ".

The Cursor said, "Naah, I DID NOT say that. You asked me what is the difference for ME and I told you that. You didn't say what's THE difference....see? ".

Me said, "Alright alright, wise a$$, SO??...so what's the difference?? ".

He said, "Before I answer that I need to ask you something...should I? ".

Although I smelled a trap but I still went ahead and said, "Yeah, why not".

He asked me, "Why do you keep staring at me with your hands ready on the keyboard. I keep on blinking at people like you and keep on blinking just to make you realize that I am here. All you have to do is start writing. But still people like you keep on staring and don't type. Why is that?? ".

Well, I said, "I can speak for my self because I know this is what happens with me. I come and start you because there is this urge to attach words to so many thoughts running wild in my mind but all that I get at the end of it is you...a blinking cursor!!. I don't know how many times I have picked up a pen and paper to write something...you know..catch one thought and actually write something about it...and you know...with every passing minute all that's there is a plain paper staring back at me. In conversations with people, so many people that I know....everybody has a story to tell...the only thing that's hard to find is WORDS. They too end up looking at the blinking cursor. Time and again we go back to diaries, scraps, texts, mails, blogs, phones....all our own...all started in an attempt to say things felt inside, all created because of this need to give form to million formless tit bits running in our minds...to communicate.....in the end getting us stuck....at YOU...a blinking cursor!!!
I have imagined every person, you know, in a I-want-to-write-something-moment moment where we are in front of a screen....both hands ready on the keyboard....a blank space in front of us...a space to write....staring back at us....and we staring at you....repeating the same question in our mind over and over again..."Kahan se likhun?"...."Kya Likhun?". And if by any chance we do start writing about some stuff then we go back...read what we have written.....and think..."Yeeeh kya likha hai....hata yaar!!". We delete it and happily return to where we started our literal journey from...you guessed it!!!....YOU!!!....THE BLINKING CURSOR!!!. So I am not sure. And that's why I am asking you. What's the difference?
".

Now the cursor smiled . "I'll again tell you that there is not much of a difference. The only thing that separates them and you is that they actually go ahead and write whatever they want to and never look for sense. They let go of any need to be appreciated by people who are going to read them and simply type whatever. And somehow it all makes sense in the end. And when I see people reading what they have written it is not like everybody likes it. I have seen people making fun of writers, politicians, movie stars for what they write. So here is the advice that you were looking for. If you want that people should swoon and croone at your words then don't do it. Don't write. And ya don't just keep on staring at me like you know what you are doing but just waiting for some divine intervention....got that?? ", he said.

"Well, it was nice talking to you Mr. Cursor. I will try not to stare at you and write instead. Hope to talk to you later ", I said.

The cursor was smiling at me and I smiled back..........

Monday, February 1, 2010

The CURIOUS CASE of A PILLOW and TWO ROOM-MATES

This blog is directed in the general direction of people who are living with room-mates(mainly of same gender). See the thing is that I am sharing a flat with a person who I have known from last 11 years(cannot call him a chaddi-friend per se but if you consider the duration of our friendship, it might qualify). When I say I share a flat, it do not stop there. By sharing I mean lot many things. That includes a bed as well. Now in many cultures this can lead to so many conclusions often very imaginative and life-changing in nature but let me assure you that that is not a case here. It is only because of these conclusions that can be drawn, I cannot freely call him a pain in the A$$!!

The curious case of room mates that I wanted to write here raised because of a situation that happened a few weeks ago. See my roommate celebrated his 1040329th birthday(because of his sheer qualities he can turn a single day into an year) and as every hotblooded person living in Delhi is in love, so is my roommate with a very nice girl from our hometown. His beloved came at our place to celebrate his 1040330th birthday(I have increased one year because of the time gap between typing the first line and this line) she brought him a cake and other gifts. I, during the whole process was asleep coz I think the pre-requisite for becoming a good friend is how often you forget your friend's birthdays. Kabhi kabhie mujhe lagta hai that our friends might even get disappointed 'coz we get to do this once every year. Anyways, as I was telling you that I was asleep during his 1040331th birthday(a year increased) celebrations and discovered the cake later on in the fridge, during my search and rescue mission(search for food and rescue my stomach). Although it clearly stated "PPY B'DAY SURJ"(you can assume that a few letters were already eaten)I had to ask the question.

Me"Yeh cake kiska hai?"
Him"Chup chap kha le na C#@$#@E"
Me "Abe bta na".

Well he told me that it was his 1040332th B'day and I gave him the same reaction that I give him every year.

Me"Bhaaaaaaaaaiii, happy b'day bhai, kya yaar tune btaya nahi"(as if I expect him to start wearing that conical b'day cap a week before his b'day is due...well thinking about it ..its not a bad idea. I'll suggest him). So then after finishing the complete cake I asked him Bhaat he got as a present??(Again one of the formost conditions of good friendship is never to give any gifts..khaaskar your roomies. Haan but if YOU need something then you should definetly give it as a GIFT to your roomies. Is se kya hota hai ki ek to you end up giving a gift and dusra you can comfortably use that thing thinking it to be your room-mate's!!!And you are free from the guilt of spending money on unnecessary things like clothes, shaving kits, shoes etc etc)

Ab woh situation that is the reason of this blog. His beloved had given him many things. But one thing really scared the hell out of us. Since she love him, she had picked up a seemingly harmless object from Archie's which was a crimson colored pillow in the shape of a heart with LOVE written in bold letters on it. Now let me remind you that I am a guy and my room-mate is another guy. And because he is in love and because this is a gift and because it is a pillow, he is expected to keep it on the BED!!!. ON THE BED!!!Now we faced a dire situation and a headstrong decision had to be taken. So in the end I had to buy a black colored pillow with HATE written on it(just to balance out the things). And now we both live happily with our own pillows.